Change your environment; change yourself: another wrong philosophy.

It is almost incredible the diferent feelings that one can develop living in different places. I've just arrived from my home, after a whole week of holidays... a whole week of walks, meetings and some unpleasant homework.

Being there was so strange...

The first thing that made me fall strongly into reallity were the marks on the road, in the place of the accident, were time seemed to stoped (I saw them from the bus, when I was arriving to the town). I still cannot realize that it is not an evil joke, but a fuckin' evel reality. Karol has passed away. And we stay here... in the garden of sins.

Sometimes I feel guilty because of having to concentrate in other things... and, in a way, having to forget her. It has passed a month and a half. For me... it has been a few days... hours...

five nights ago... I dreamt about her. I was going out of the classroom (where there were a mixture of school and university classmates) and she was there, beside my seat. I told her she shouldn't be there. That it was a mistake. She laughed taking me as ridiculous. I brought her to the back of the room and we sat down in the floor. I told her she was dead. I told her about the accident, and during my speech, I could also see how her expression chanched from the most jovial joy to a deep anguish and confusion. I hug her and both started to cry. As well as my last deam with my dad, when I leave her, I noticed she had desapeared.

Last sunday I went to her house, to meet her sister, Gaby, because of her birthday. There at least three pictures of her through the walls of the living room. There were her mother, cousing, grandmother, aunt, her boyfriend and his brother and some of Gaby's friends. If was a beautiful meeting, full of her dear and beloved people.

When I woke up from my dreaming, I had the conclusion that... maybe, she hadn't notice her own death (because it was really, really fast), until I told her about it. I wonder if she is calm right now... I just wonder how she is...

But now I'm here... and now it's almost impossible to think about her, because every person I see doesn't know her, doesn't know how much I miss her, and doesn't have any moment to listen about it. It is like they want me to forget this bitter fact, like it has never happened, like she hadn't even fuckin' existed. But I think that it's not the right way.

May be, if people guide the others, from an aware and holistic perspective of the new bad reality, and share a reflexion about it to keep walking and becoming stronger again, it would be so much easier to overcome the downfall.

So please, don't call me to avoid this... but help me how to live from here. I won't forget my friend, as I haven't forgotten my father, and as I won't forget any beloved person when they pass away.