(my) Life sucks around this time. I'm trying to finish this year in the most regular way but I haven't been able to pass through it without making stupid mistakes, being judged and putting in risk my job.
I've made some wonderful new friends. I've learnt lots of skills... experienced great moments and attended many parties. Still, there's this constant, gigantic cloud over my head that never leaves me alone.
Right now I feel lonely, misunderstood, under presure... feel like I want to quit on everything, take a bag full of dreams and go to fuckin' nowhere.
The vocational crisis is deep. I never thought I would have to deal with such kids and parents... like, it is hard to comfront the reality that children are not as well behaved as I was... and that parents are not always as awesome as mine... so I'm not used to them. Right now some kidos have turn my nights into a sea of nightmares, just because of a fuckin' contest that they won but haven't received the price they deserved
I want to take a moment to visit some friends... the only two of them who are able to listen and understand what I am going through. They are all busy these days, so do I. This friday off I was going to travel to Conce to meet my fab guy, best friend who always makes me cry out of laugh, but he was too busy with university bullshit.
I feel encapsulated in a life I didn't want to... it's like a punishment I voluntarily took, for no reason. I wish I could be able to break the chains and go wherever I want to, and stay calm by myself.
I don't like my job, I'm not feeling fulfilled with my relationship, I don't have enough friends and I'd like to live more adventures than I can.
I wish someone just takes care of me, pull me tight and take me somewhere to start all over again.
It hurted as ten hundred thousand pins puncturing my skin...
And our very cynical way we had when going downstairs and leaving it all behind.
Walking beside each other, no longer together,
'til the moment came... when we irretrievable split our path.
And then I felt the hollow inside of me.
Lack of willingness to even breath... or eat.
After crying out tears and blood.
So then my pride knocked my door.
It took my hands and forced me to write the shitty goodbye that fulfilled our destruction.
Shitty words out of spite, covered in pain and ice.
My pride forced me to do what I did... to overthrown the last lands of our story and fire them with anger.
So then my pride forced me to put you out of my life... completely. Cause I couldn't imagine my life looking at you day by day... nearby but never close to me any more. I wasn't there next day 'cause I couldn't stand it... what was left and waiting for me.
Cowardly, I wasn't there...
It took me four years to finally realize that nevermore is an excuse for not letting our destinies cross whenever they do so. Took me these years to conclude it was my bad decision and Lord... How I regret it, my dear, not to understand none of us was in the right place or time to get together. But now I know that no matter the distance, the resentment or our different realities, you will still be my soulmate.
So I embrace the memory of you, my dear, beloved friend, looking forward to meeting you once again... ready to take back that night we left unfinished.
I embrace the chance to face you as a better girl, your always soulmate.
"Miré la escena ante mi: la mera casa y las sencillas características del paisaje en aquel dominio, las sombrías paredes, las ventanas vacías como ojos, los pocos juncos silvestres, y algunos troncos de árboles podridos, con una absoluta depresión del alma que no puedo comparar con ninguna sensación terrena más adecuadamente que con el despertar del aficionado al opio, la amarga entrada a la vida cotidiana, la odiosa caída de un velo. Era una frialdad, un hundimiento, un malestar del corazón - una tristeza mental irremediable que ningún acicate de la imaginación podía desvíar hacia ninguna forma de lo sublime. ¿Qué era, me detuve a pensar, que era lo que me desalentaba tanto al contemplar la Casa Usher?"
Edgar Allan Poe La Caída de la Casa Usher
miércoles, 18 de octubre de 2017
Five more views of a post like this one and I'll seriously consider this blogger as full of bots, like Piñera's twitter... but less popular.
The one who slip away your sweatest memories, and drives through you wildest roads of deep, hidden desires.
I wish my arms were the branches that supported your body and soul while getting aged, tiredsome.
I wish I were your last hope.
I wish you were always there for me.
The one I see right before the sun rises up, and take my hand and beg for me to stay in bed.
I wish I could swim and get lost in your eyes whenever I needed a getaway.
I wish your eyes were the last thing I see.
The one who made you want to be a better man.
I wish I were the exeption of the rule, the challenge, the tears of happiness in your eyes and mine, the shiver in your back and the tremble in your hands.
I wish I were the girl you'd fight your most important battle.
I wish I didn't cry so much.
I wish I didn't have to turn aside.
I wish I didn't surrender
I wish I didn't feel this painful obsession.
I wish I were a little bit like all of those (you loved...)
Since a couple of weeks I've been feeling kind of confused about the things I want for a short term future. I wanna job stability... I'd like my job to be less stressful, actually. I'd like to have my own place with someone to cuddle with at night. Currently, I'm at my mom's home, trying to save some money, who knows what for.
My feelings on my bf are somehow frozen. I don't get butterflies in my belly when I think about him... I don't get too excited when he's planning to visit me... I don't even feel like wanting to have sex with him as I did before. It's a weird feeling of insecurity that has nothing to do with being jelous. It's actually disapointment asociated to the ways he's reacted to certain events... and the silly discussions we have about anything... 'cause we're still very different, we're getting tired of being topenminded with each other... at least that's how I see it.
A couple of days ago, I suffered an anxiety attack again. That's the thing I wanted to tell, really. I was in the grossery store to get some bread. I arrived at that point in the evening when it get's crowded (between 6:30 and 7pm, to be precise) so I wondered if I'd met him. So I was there in the queue, with my hood on and some loud music, pretending to ignore the people around me. I texted my bf for no reason, just to have someone to get distracted with. A guy came to the store. My inner thought was: "he's here". I felt my heart pulse getting faster... and faster. My face got blushed then. I could feel the warmth on my cheeks. my inner self started praying for him not to find me there, wishing my glasses and my hood would provide some sort of camouflage. he received a bag of something from the shop assistant a couple of meters from me. Then, something ached in my chest so much. My heart reached the top of its capacity, causing me real pain when I saw him. I felt confused... frustrated... and, more than anything, I felt futile.
We'd talked a few days ago... so when he left without noticing me I realised I wanted to talk to him, indeed. "Why on earth can I have a casual meeting with a guy without suffering the way I do?" I asked myself. I went home, now with a hole inside, and my body getting the cold of the night. When I got home, I texted him. "I saw you at the grossery store".
Two nights ago, he texted me, seeming quite impatient. He said he wanted to ask me something. After some long minutes of hesitation (it took him like 1 hour to say it finally) he asked for my free time on saturdays. "Oh, no" I thought. "Is he really...". "Is it 'bout the church" I asked. then he explained there was a group of kids to train or something, there in the church... like a choir. So... aparently he thought no one else could do that sort of favors to him... no one but this girl, who used to be pretty desperate for sharing a moment beside him. My answer was clear. I had to say I was not into that jesus stuff anymore (not to mention I'm pro abortion, feminist, agnostic and left wing). I told him my job requires pretty much all my time and mental effort so I could not compromise to anything I'd not be able to accomplish. Apart from demonstrating some empathy with what I said... he shared with me his plans for later. "I'm feeling like that too" ... "I'm applying for a job outside, so I hope I get it".
And then I shocked.
Like in my 14s, and 17s, he was here looking for my support, while he was planning to leave all the responsibility in my hands soon after. I remembered when he invited me to coolaborate on the tuesday's group of christians who used to sang, pretending to speak some holly tongues and fainting... or that thursday's masses... In which I was finally left alone as he went to the army. The disapointment came too soon.
I'm 23. I'm attractive. I'm independant. I'm a nice person and interesting to talk with, I'm sure about that. So for all these things, I thought he could've been wondering about something else. I thought he would ask about anything... mainly about me. Like I imagined it would be like ... "Hey... I wanted to ask you something... I was wondering if you're single or something? Like, I noticed you no longer share anything about the guy you were dating. Hope you don't mind, though". And all would have ended in an invitation to my home (I was alone at that night), just to have some casual conversation, sharing a cup of coffee and some cigarettes around the wood stove. But no. He wanted to have me back in the church, pretending to be spiritual, adoctrinating kids with songs while he was far away in a stupid job and visiting some stupid prostitutes at the north. I say: no fucking way.
Life sucks... and after all these years you still suck, too.
"you're not okay", my colleague told me. She said that when they asked me 'bout how I felt on bringing my bf to my home in case he got a job here. Sometimes I don't control my facial expressions, so I assure you guys... I didn't need to talk to say that I had my concerns about it.
"If you were trully in love, you'd look happy now". Clearly, that was not the case, though it's not that I feel exactly the opposite. It's just I have some... concerns.
Last time we had issues to solve he deleted me and my sister from facebook. Even though we make sexual 'peace' he haven't send me a request again. It's weird. It's none sense, but I kinda feel like it doesn't bother me too much. Like I feel it's even a favor to me... to have some "virtual" space...
I don't know what's going on with my life... with this relationship... With my feelings, my memories and these concerns that came up after that day. I just wanna be fine... No trouble. Just fine. However it works.
But I feel shame on myself. Dissapointment. I should be fulfilled nowadays. I got a job... I earn some good cash and I got a kind of hot guy to hang out with... It's just that I never thought about the problems I would find in the meantime...
And there's him, who doesn't wanna leave me behind.
And I'm the worst on trying to ignore him.
I feel stupid. Like... CAN YOU JUST TAKE ME SERIOUSLY OR JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?
Srsly dude... it's hell when he approaches like the friendly guy who comes up randomely and texts me the entire day and then just goes away where he belongs... with that (or those) tiny girl with probably a hotter body than mine...
He's playing the game. That endless game.
And I either wanna go AFK. Like... Forever. Or destroy him. In bed.
Esa fue la última frase que leí la madrugada de hoy, luego de volver del famoso carrete al que fui obligada por mi hermana. Porque claro. Ella era la visita, y quería sentirse rodeada de un papurrí de amigos y gente buena onda. Por alguna razón cree que yo también soy parte de aquello.
Es cierto. Una parte de mí se imaginó que podría ocurrir si de verdad te creíste tu versión paranoica de mi atracando con el amigo de mi hermana, ese que tú también conociste, en la casa en donde tú también has estado. Otra parte de mí reía a carcajadas en un rincón de mi mente ebria, por lo tragicómico que resultaba que en una noche como aquella tu amigo me llamara y (como no hago nunca), le cedo mi teléfono al dueño de casa, porque no conocía aquel número que me llamaba. La parte más inocente de mi no se detuvo a pensar en la cadena de desastres que pasarían esa noche, en la película que dirigiste en tu cabeza... en como tu amigo me agarraría para su hueveo por teléfono cuando fuí yo la que lo recuperó.
Lo más tragicómico, y hasta patético de este día domingo es que me estabas pateando por un error que no cometí. Que Chile perdería contra Alemania. Que Piñera Saldría primero en las elecciones.
Y es verdad. Puedo decir abiertamente que hace un tiempo ya que vengo pensando en qué sería lo mejor para mí. Si quiero dilatar esto que tenemos por unos años más, con viajes ida y vuelta, peleas absurdas y la falta de un hogar en donde establecernos, o si tal vez estoy tan acostumbrada arreglándomelas sola que mi vida no cambiaría demasiado si no te tengo. Y por esta vez la ira y la razón han llegado al mismo veredicto. Que tal vez sea mejor dejar esta historia en donde está... para evitar que la violencia verbal se convierta en rutina, y los golpes en guinda de la torta.
Es entonces que entiendo que Libra me cede su puesto, y ahora soy yo la que debe sopesar las opciones y moderar mis palabras que, como las tuyas, pueden dibujar paraísos como también demolerlos.
Lo que si sé es que me tomaré el derecho del tiempo para decidir lo que sea que venga.
Días, semanas, un mes... Es asunto mío.
And when my sins are just a memory Faith restored I will fail you To the core
Nostalgic thoughts use to come to my head whenever I go to bed. No matter how late it is or how tired I am... there's always enough time for them in my mind. I think a part of me loves that moment of my days... when I can think freely on the things I really like, things I that were part of me and that I do need to take back.
So based on this thought, it's reasonable to find me here once more. Weeks pass by very fast, which worries me as I find myself with no time for accomplishing completely my duties at work, and I hardly remember to keep a moment for myself. After all, I'm human... I feel some shit, I am affected by issues all the time, and I need a while to think quietly on what I am doing... what do I want... who I'd like to visit... or talk to.
... And I wanted to be here now. to give some comments of myself, as I used to do.
During the last weeks I've been affected by this syndrome of not wanting to grow up... or letting behind things that are inevitable over. This month in general has been fulfilled by some intense episodes of transformation. I'm shaping a new self since I became a teacher, and getting used to how it affects my public image, and delimitates the way I shall behave with others... the places I can or shouldn't visit... it's not easy to find a pub to hang out with friends, for instance, 'cause you're always overthinking about some students you may find around, as I live in this city... which is pretty small, after all. Last week, a 15 year old student told me he saw me at the bank on a friday night, while I was taking out some cash from an ATM machine, suggesting he would have invited me to a drink. "I was out of my working time. besides it's not of your business", I said, though of course he didn't care.
It's weird to notice how people around me treat me at a different level since I'm back, since they see me going to work and coming back... I'm an active member of this small community... which complicates the inner desire I've always had of keeping a low profile, few friends and keeping away faggots who talk to me in the streats once in a while, but they don't really care about me at all. Living in this small town makes it hard to be a shy adult person, so yes... I'm thinking that moving to Los Angeles is not a bad idea, after all.
Last but not least: let me mention that I re-open my facebook a couple of weeks ago. it was after a very long time of thinking and rethinking about the best moment for me to do it. I thought it was necesary to find an instance when I could feel personaly stable, or just numb enough. So I did it, and it wasn't as terrible as I thought it could be. In fact, the process was pretty easy. They asked me a couple of questions before the big moment and after that I found myself. I mean, a quite different version of me, in a quite dark picture, posting some shit I did not remember, really. I felt something strange in my belly when it happened, but it wasn't too bad. The first thing I noticed was the theme of my pictures. they were all kind of dark... or gray. I don't know but I didn't thought it would be that evident that I was into a sort of depressing atmosphere during those days... then of course, I noticed most of the last posts occured in 2013, and then I understood everything. a year of deaths and abandoning that melted inside of me, being exteriorized in those dark, gray pictures, including some deep writing as well. In the end, I decided that old web page would consist in a time machine I'll allow myself to visit... as a memorial of some roots, some delightful moments of both happiness and sadness, very personal, that somehow are responsible of the resulting person I am nowadays. It was just fine to watch some friends' pictures, chattings, comments and laughing about it here alone. it was... just fine.
So March is gone... and a new month is coming (quite obvious), with new challenges and things to handle daily. I shall take it easy I guess... after all, it's what every person deals with sooner or later.
He aquí la ingratitud misma haciendo acto de presencia luego de demasiado tiempo. Como de costumbre, venir significa descargarme de cosas que de momento no puedo compartir con la gente que me rodea, porque no entienden, porque no están, o no tienen (no se dan) el tiempo de estar.
Hace ya un mes egresé de la universidad. Lo sé. Gran paso. Saltémonos la parte del orgullo, de la alegría y los abrazos. Adelantémonos a la parte en la que pongo pies en la tierra para preguntarme, de corazón, qué cresta necesito para realizarme este año.
Aparentemente tuve mejor suerte que muchos de mis compañeros que ansiosos esperan la titulación (la que yo pospuse por falta de cash. No es que me deprima. Vendrá luego, y en grande), ya que tuve la oportunidad inmediata de encontrar trabajo buen remunerado, en casa, en el colegio que me acogió toda mi infancia. Karma? who knows.
Por ahora estoy de vacaciones. las ultimas vacaciones largas que tendré, que no dejaron de ser una mierda, lo que no me sorprende. No puedo decir que me siento cómoda en casa. Hasta que el kayak de mi hermano desaparezca de mi pieza y el gato de mi mama deje de tomar agua del WC (lo que significa que siempre encuentro el trono lleno de tierra. No lo limpian) no podré declararlo dignamente como mi hogar. Llegar a la etapa de plena adultez joven, y debido a las circunstancias mencionadas, me hacen desear tremendamente un lugar propio, cosa que no tenía prevista hacer hasta un buen tiempo.
Ahora mismo estoy en casa de mi pololo, en donde tampoco me siento plenamente conforme, ni tranquila. La verdad es que estamos (o estoy. No lo sé) en un momento complicado en el que las diferencias en cuanto a lo que somos y lo que esperamos del otro son demasiado grandes. Por mi parte, puedo decir que de comienzo no ha sido mucho lo que he exigido de él. Lo más importante para mi siempre ha sido que me de cariño y ya, lo que me ha llevado a obviar actitudes y episodios suyos que no aprobaría en otras personas. Pero él es el que dice que me ama, so? Por otro lado, él exige cosas de mi que no van totalmente conmigo, con como soy, con como hago mi rutina, etc. Mi pololo y yo somos muy, muy distintos. nos motivan cosas diferentes, nuestros proyectos a mediano-largo plazo no encajan... ni si quiera nuestro humor es el mismo. Mientras a mi me mata el sarcasmo negro, nerdy, y complicado, sus carcajadas van más con lo directo, vulgar y básico. Es bastante usual que no entienda mis tallas, ni yo comprenda como alguien puede encontrar divertido bromear con la violación o los inmigrantes.
Creo haber salido de una etapa complicada para entrar a la crisis que marcará la directriz de mi vida de aquí en adelante. Es como si saliera de un juego en el que las instrucciones siempre me fueron dadas, o las preguntas siempre tuvieron alternativas limitadas, para entrar a un nuevo nivel en el que sorteo distintos dilemas a la vez, pero es mi responsabilidad decidir qué camino tomar, con quién lo caminaré, o si necesito hacerlo sola. La presión de descifrar la fórmula perfecta para contentarme a mi misma sin herir a los que me rodean ya me está pesando. Siento la culpa de querer irme de casa, de querer terminar mi relación, todo de lo harta que estoy de ser subestimada, desplazada y moldeada a imagen y semejanza de otros ideales.
Finalmente, creo poder escuchar como mi voz interior me pide a gritos reencontrarme conmigo misma. Esta crisis que se aproxima pone a prueba mi capacidad de escucharme a mi misma, entender mis necesidades y saber responder a ellas, duela al que le duela. Saber quien soy, lo que quiero y reafirmarlo al resto.
Si alguien se siente con la capacidad de aconsejar, bienvenido. Igual más de uno vendrá con la frase celebre "la respuesta está en tu corazón". like... really?
