So based on this thought, it's reasonable to find me here once more. Weeks pass by very fast, which worries me as I find myself with no time for accomplishing completely my duties at work, and I hardly remember to keep a moment for myself. After all, I'm human... I feel some shit, I am affected by issues all the time, and I need a while to think quietly on what I am doing... what do I want... who I'd like to visit... or talk to.
... And I wanted to be here now. to give some comments of myself, as I used to do.
During the last weeks I've been affected by this syndrome of not wanting to grow up... or letting behind things that are inevitable over. This month in general has been fulfilled by some intense episodes of transformation. I'm shaping a new self since I became a teacher, and getting used to how it affects my public image, and delimitates the way I shall behave with others... the places I can or shouldn't visit... it's not easy to find a pub to hang out with friends, for instance, 'cause you're always overthinking about some students you may find around, as I live in this city... which is pretty small, after all. Last week, a 15 year old student told me he saw me at the bank on a friday night, while I was taking out some cash from an ATM machine, suggesting he would have invited me to a drink. "I was out of my working time. besides it's not of your business", I said, though of course he didn't care.
It's weird to notice how people around me treat me at a different level since I'm back, since they see me going to work and coming back... I'm an active member of this small community... which complicates the inner desire I've always had of keeping a low profile, few friends and keeping away faggots who talk to me in the streats once in a while, but they don't really care about me at all. Living in this small town makes it hard to be a shy adult person, so yes... I'm thinking that moving to Los Angeles is not a bad idea, after all.
Last but not least: let me mention that I re-open my facebook a couple of weeks ago. it was after a very long time of thinking and rethinking about the best moment for me to do it. I thought it was necesary to find an instance when I could feel personaly stable, or just numb enough. So I did it, and it wasn't as terrible as I thought it could be. In fact, the process was pretty easy. They asked me a couple of questions before the big moment and after that I found myself. I mean, a quite different version of me, in a quite dark picture, posting some shit I did not remember, really. I felt something strange in my belly when it happened, but it wasn't too bad. The first thing I noticed was the theme of my pictures. they were all kind of dark... or gray. I don't know but I didn't thought it would be that evident that I was into a sort of depressing atmosphere during those days... then of course, I noticed most of the last posts occured in 2013, and then I understood everything. a year of deaths and abandoning that melted inside of me, being exteriorized in those dark, gray pictures, including some deep writing as well. In the end, I decided that old web page would consist in a time machine I'll allow myself to visit... as a memorial of some roots, some delightful moments of both happiness and sadness, very personal, that somehow are responsible of the resulting person I am nowadays. It was just fine to watch some friends' pictures, chattings, comments and laughing about it here alone. it was... just fine.
So March is gone... and a new month is coming (quite obvious), with new challenges and things to handle daily. I shall take it easy I guess... after all, it's what every person deals with sooner or later.
