Not me

Since a couple of weeks I've been feeling kind of confused about the things I want for a short term future. I wanna job stability... I'd like my job to be less stressful, actually. I'd like to have my own place with someone to cuddle with at night. Currently, I'm at my mom's home, trying to save some money, who knows what for.

My feelings on my bf are somehow frozen. I don't get butterflies in my belly when I think about him... I don't get too excited when he's planning to visit me... I don't even feel like wanting to have sex with him as I did before. It's a weird feeling of insecurity that has nothing to do with being jelous. It's actually disapointment asociated to the ways he's reacted to certain events... and the silly discussions we have about anything... 'cause we're still very different, we're getting tired of being topenminded with each other... at least that's how I see it.

A couple of days ago, I suffered an anxiety attack again. That's the thing I wanted to tell, really. I was in the grossery store to get some bread. I arrived at that point in the evening when it get's crowded (between 6:30 and 7pm, to be precise) so I wondered if I'd met him. So I was there in the queue, with my hood on and some loud music, pretending to ignore the people around me. I texted my bf for no reason, just to have someone to get distracted with. A guy came to the store. My inner thought was: "he's here". I felt my heart pulse getting faster... and faster. My face got blushed then. I could feel the warmth on my cheeks. my inner self started praying for him not to find me there, wishing my glasses and my hood would provide some sort of camouflage. he received a bag of something from the shop assistant a couple of meters from me. Then, something ached in my chest so much. My heart reached the top of its capacity, causing me real pain when I saw him. I felt confused... frustrated... and, more than anything, I felt futile.

We'd talked a few days ago... so when he left without noticing me I realised I wanted to talk to him, indeed. "Why on earth can I have a casual meeting with a guy without suffering the way I do?" I asked myself. I went home, now with a hole inside, and my body getting the cold of the night. When I got home, I texted him. "I saw you at the grossery store".

Two nights ago, he texted me, seeming quite impatient. He said he wanted to ask me something. After some long minutes of hesitation (it took him like 1 hour to say it finally) he asked for my free time on saturdays. "Oh, no" I thought. "Is he really...". "Is it 'bout the church" I asked. then he explained there was a group of kids to train or something, there in the church... like a choir. So... aparently he thought no one else could do that sort of favors to him... no one but this girl, who used to be pretty desperate for sharing a moment beside him. My answer was clear. I had to say I was not into that jesus stuff anymore (not to mention I'm pro abortion, feminist, agnostic and left wing). I told him my job requires pretty much all my time and mental effort so I could not compromise to anything I'd not be able to accomplish. Apart from demonstrating some empathy with what I said... he shared with me his plans for later. "I'm feeling like that too" ... "I'm applying for a job outside, so I hope I get it".

And then I shocked.

Like in my 14s, and 17s, he was here looking for my support, while he was planning to leave all the responsibility in my hands soon after. I remembered when he invited me to coolaborate on the tuesday's group of christians who used to sang, pretending to speak some holly tongues and fainting... or that thursday's masses... In which I was finally left alone as he went to the army. The disapointment came too soon.

I'm 23. I'm attractive. I'm independant. I'm a nice person and interesting to talk with, I'm sure about that. So for all these things, I thought he could've been wondering about something else. I thought he would ask about anything... mainly about me. Like I imagined it would be like ... "Hey... I wanted to ask you something... I was wondering if you're single or something? Like, I noticed you no longer share anything about the guy you were dating. Hope you don't mind, though". And all would have ended in an invitation to my home (I was alone at that night), just to have some casual conversation, sharing a cup of coffee and some cigarettes around the wood stove. But no. He wanted to have me back in the church, pretending to be spiritual, adoctrinating kids with songs while he was far away in a stupid job and visiting some stupid prostitutes at the north. I say: no fucking way.

Life sucks... and after all these years you still suck, too.

This is what I think about it.
Not again.



"Good luck with that"

"Thanks"

Friday I'm alone

"you're not okay", my colleague told me. She said that when they asked me 'bout how I felt on bringing my bf to my home in case he got a job here. Sometimes I don't control my facial expressions, so I assure you guys... I didn't need to talk to say that I had my concerns about it.

"If you were trully in love, you'd look happy now". Clearly, that was not the case, though it's not that I feel exactly the opposite. It's just I have some... concerns.

Last time we had issues to solve he deleted me and my sister from facebook. Even though we make sexual 'peace' he haven't send me a request again. It's weird. It's none sense, but I kinda feel like it doesn't bother me too much. Like I feel it's even a favor to me... to have some "virtual" space...

I don't know what's going on with my life... with this relationship... With my feelings, my memories and these concerns that came up after that day. I just wanna be fine... No trouble. Just fine. However it works.

But I feel shame on myself. Dissapointment. I should be fulfilled nowadays. I got a job... I earn some good cash and I got a kind of hot guy to hang out with... It's just that I never thought about the problems I would find in the meantime...

And there's him, who doesn't wanna leave me behind.

And I'm the worst on trying to ignore him.

I feel stupid. Like... CAN YOU JUST TAKE ME SERIOUSLY OR JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?

Srsly dude... it's hell when he approaches like the friendly guy who comes up randomely and texts me the entire day and then just goes away where he belongs... with that (or those) tiny girl with probably a hotter body than mine...

He's playing the game. That endless game.

And I either wanna go AFK. Like... Forever. Or destroy him. In bed.

Who knows.