Whenever he can, my cat comes to my room and jumps to my bed. He lays down with his paws in my legs. He doesn't pur, he just chills. This is his place now. 

I feel more like myself, and I'm also trying to embrace my choice, the lonelines I craved for. 

I picked my guitar again. Little by little I'm feeling the need of using it to canalize the energy inside me. It's like I'm learning a mother tongue all over again. I still struggle but it feels familiar. 

I embrace the loneliness. My mind oscilate among cold simulations. 

But beyond the solitude there's a deeper crave, another more meaningful decision I surrender to. 

A friend of mine saw this some time ago. 'This thing you have is for life', he said. And I agree. So now I believe it. 

In the end I may stay by myself, but I'll still be loyal to what I long. 

My deserter soul will keep longing for the day. A remote land. Red flowers. An old promise. 

You may not see me 'cause i'm busy (and hiding)

Sunday, bloody sunday.

Today I woke up very, very early. Went to the restroom and then came back to my bed. It was raining outside, and inside my head as well.

I know I got this low feeling every sunday, no matter what. It's an useless day full of overthinking and wonders that distract me from my duties. Those lesson plans won't be done by themselves.

I'm tired of being a teacher. I'm tired of my bad decisions. Now I know that even though I spent 5 memorable years at Uni many friends I made there are gone and there's pretty much nothing left from that time. Hopes are already broken. This generation has no comeback, I feel I can't do any significant contribution from my position. It was a nice dream, but I'm loosing myself on it.

A part of me wants to reconnect with the lost musician. If I studied music I'd probably earned less cash but the fullfilment bro... that's just priceless.

Another part of me wants to be recognized as a linguist or writer. Anything that's sort of related with communication fits me well. I've even thought of some radio talking... I could see myself doing something like that.

But here I am.

An unknown. A underrated teacher like many others. My most meanigful reward these days is not getting anxious when getting home. That's the mediocrity of my life.

I haven't visited the doc yet... for sure (s)he'll ask why the hell I picked up this profession. I'd like to start some pills treatment but got no time for it.

I wonder how some people I know have survived after these stages of life.

A friend of mine said she'd recommend me for a different job in her town. I'm thinking of if.

Kind of wanna cry again.

And there are 3 months ahead of this living hell yet.

A matter of time

Today I feel pathetic.

Trying to turn to the most atractive of myself, my experiences just if any of them calls your damned attention to me.

Last time I called you sounded just so bothered by me... I could feel every boored vibration of your lazy voice. Was it too late... was it just me.

You know now I can't stop it, I CAN'T STOP THINKING.

And I'm just listening to Tchaikovsky to canalyze this stream of fire inside of me... everytime I feel you.

It's terrible.

It's been just so many years.

It's been so much time now that I feel I rather die alone if not beside you.

I'll never going to force you. Instead I'll keep trying.

Not sure if talking to you or take myself somewhere near the places you usualy wonder and for that I guess I'll need some medication. This anxiety gets worst as I aknowledge how long have I tried but you never look at me.

Or I may sell some stuff and get far away from this country and when you just realize I'm leaving you again you would try to stop me... or follow me.

But it's a matter of time... before you fall in love deeper and deeeper with someone else, and her to become your fiance, and you to become a father, and create this beautiful, perfect family without me.

Look how old have we become... it's just a matter of time.

Will I end like my elder brother? Trying to grab my shit and run away the day I'm told you don't love me? Meet someone else that'll never reach your potential and end up getting stuck in a shitty relationship just to be bussy trying to forget your God damned smile, oh that smile of you...

Tonight this stream of thoughts are running wild into my mind while I'm watching another picture of you and I'm so embarrased and sorry for this.

I can't handle it anymore.

I'm powerless.

Living in metanoia

Hace varios días que busco poder canalizar y expresar el huracán de emociones que me revolotean por dentro... Intenté usando twitter, recurriendo más a las playlists de Spotify... 

Intenté reconectarme con un par de amigos con excusas tontas para reunirnos y conversar de la vida... como si en una de esas se pudieran sentar conmigo, acompañarme mientras me fumo un par de cigarros y les cuento cómo me ha ido (Una siendo buena oyente toda la vida cree que los amigos pueden serlo también) y en una de esas aconsejarme en más de un problema. 

El viernes salí de vacaciones, superando el semestre más estresante de mi corta carrera docente. Es común escuchar a colegas decir "En estos momentos es cuando una se angustia y se replantea la profesión. Luego se te pasa y sigues trabajando". ¿Es entonces así de normal, llegar a casa dos veces una misma semana, con una sensación igual a la de no querer ir al colegio cuando eres una niña, llegar con llanto en la garganta deseando que por favor pare de una vez? Así es como el gremio mismo normaliza el agobio, el estrés y la ansiedad que ser docente produce. Y yo con mi perfil mental me pregunto por que mierda elegí la profesión más difícil y desvalorizada de este puto país en decadencia. Al segundo día que llegué llorando mamá se preocupó y quedamos de buscar un nuevo y mejor empleo para mí, pero que tendría que saber resistir el año completo acá. Probablemente el año termine y el temor al cambio me lleve a quedarme otro año más, y otro, como mis colegas, hasta que me quieran despedir. 

Hace unas semanas tomé la decisión de terminar con mi novio de 3 años y medio (él dice 4 pero yo no cuento el primer año de citas. Tengo mis razones y punto). Hace tiempo me venia sintiendo mal, incomoda, incomprendida... El probablemente no entiende aún los motivos que tuve, aunque se los planteé con la mejor pedagogía posible. En lo personal un ejercicio me sirvió. Cada vez que escuchaba Hand.cannot.erase me sentía una cínica. Nunca estando con él me sentí identificada con esa canción. Y eso para mi significó mucho. No hubo insultos pero sí una falta de comprensión tremenda. Solo espero que logre asimilarlo y continuar un ritmo de vida normal. En lo que a mi respecta, creo que lo que me hará mejor es un período muy largo de soledad. Hay cosas que extraño y dejé atrás por un afán idiota de querer ser aceptada por él y el entorno que hoy en día me rodea. Me olvide de quién soy y quiero volver a reconocerme. 

Tengo muchas razones para decir que este año, al igual que otro par de años, ha sido muy difícil y que sobrevivir dependerá meramente de mi capacidad de deliberar y decidir, pensando en mi. No puedo amar si no estoy bien; no puedo enseñar si no estoy bien. No puedo dar lo mejor de mí por los demás si yo me he abandonado por completo. El resto puede sentirse ofendido, pero lo necesario ahora es un momento de introspección y replanteamiento de objetivos. 

Me devuelvo a mi núcleo más cerrado. A mi familia, los amigos que estén ahí para mí, este blog y todas aquellas cosas que dejé de hacer por idiotez. 

This is it.

La versión actual de mi tiene 24. Vive con su mamá y su último logro es comprarle el auto al hermano. Crecí y crecí y acumulé un montón de éxitos, que la gente podría decir que nada me falta y que no hay de qué quejarse... que hay gente que siempre estará peor que una.

Tengo 24 y lamento decirle a la niña de ayer que aún no consigo ser feliz.

Mi trabajo es más demandante de lo normal. Lo cual me irrita e irrita a la gente en casa. Mi mamá dejó de ser el sostén de la casa. Ahora toma pastillas para la ansiedad y otras cosas. Mi novio se vino a la casa porque consiguió práctica acá. Las cosas van de mal en peor con él, que solo pide y pide más comodidad y orden en casa, por ser hijo único, porque su mamá lo acostumbró a vivir en la burbuja de la vida fácil, con ella y su compulsión por la limpieza, que con mucho cariño le heredó a él. Ayer me levanté a las 6 de la mañana porque la fiebre no me dejaba dormir. Mi cabeza iba a explotar. Estuve en el sillón imaginando los posibles panoramas de como y cuándo terminaría con el. Cada uno de ellos era más terrible. No tienen idea. Ni la más perra idea.

Estoy en esa situación que varias veces critiqué en los demás y dije que no me pasaría. 'Si yo fuera ella ya habría...'. Acumulé logros por años y ahora me veo en una situación en que no me siento bien con mi trabajo, aunque me esforcé 5 años. No estoy bien con mi novio aunque todos los días trato de ser paciente y no decir nada, porque cualquier cosa, cualquier reacción se toma como el enojo mismo. Cada contrargumento es mal visto por él... Todo lo maximisa, así que prefiero no decir nada. Ni sexo quiero tener. Solo tratar de dormir. tratar.

Por todas estas cosas es que he dejado de ser quien era. Ni el ni la vida que llevo me motivan para volver a tocar, volver a escribir, a leer un buen libro o incluso compartir fotografías en redes sociales. No tengo ganas de presumir nada que no tengo. Ver gente en redes sociales solo me deprime más...  Ilonka, Katrin, Emma, Yvette... me deprimen tremendamente.

Todo este experimento de vida me esta haciendo mutar en algo que no busqué ser.

Y el ovillo de miedos sigue enredando mi cabeza.

Ten years of sorrow pass and no pleasure in the sun

You couldn't cope in all honesty 

The secrets of the past will come undone 

Seasons of change elapse 

Honor no mistrust 

Faithfully until the day you die 

And people say the journey's just begun 

When you're not a part of me, I feel dead inside

Let's get out of here, let's find a new career. You'll be famous and I'll... disappear.

I... feel like garbage.

Frustrated by not being recognized by your dauntless eyes, suffring deeply the consequences of making stupid, sudden decisions.

Lied down in my room, I realiced that I don't have enough time for making it happen. The hurry of growing up is now the opposite. Besides, I don't want you to grow older... You'll start needing something beyond my capacity and goals... You'd want a woman, a marriage, a stablished 'family'... A sense of community made by yourself, something just right. A perfect life.

No matter how much I hurry, you'll always be one step ahead.

Realizing we're running out of time, sadness spreads throughout all my body. There's no encounter point. we'll never get together as a unit. We're on different roads... and, again, I'm in the disjunction of forcing the bareer that separates us, or turning aside and accelerate faster, and faster, 'till I ... disappear.

I erase myself again.

Fuck everything, I wanna quit

Take my by the hand, take me somewhere new...

What can I say...

(my) Life sucks around this time. I'm trying to finish this year in the most regular way but I haven't been able to pass through it without making stupid mistakes, being judged and putting in risk my job.

I've made some wonderful new friends. I've learnt lots of skills... experienced great moments and attended many parties. Still, there's this constant, gigantic cloud over my head that never leaves me alone.

Right now I feel lonely, misunderstood, under presure... feel like I want to quit on everything, take a bag full of dreams and go to fuckin' nowhere.

The vocational crisis is deep. I never thought I would have to deal with such kids and parents... like, it is hard to comfront the reality that children are not as well behaved as I was... and that parents are not always as awesome as mine... so I'm not used to them. Right now some kidos have turn my nights into a sea of nightmares, just because of a fuckin' contest that they won but haven't received the price they deserved

I want to take a moment to visit some friends... the only two of them who are able to listen and understand what I am going through. They are all busy these days, so do I. This friday off I was going to travel to Conce to meet my fab guy, best friend who always makes me cry out of laugh, but he was too busy with university bullshit.

I feel encapsulated in a life I didn't want to... it's like a punishment I voluntarily took, for no reason. I wish I could be able to break the chains and go wherever I want to, and stay calm by myself.

I don't like my job, I'm not feeling fulfilled with my relationship, I don't have enough friends and I'd like to live more adventures than I can.

I wish someone just takes care of me, pull me tight and take me somewhere to start all over again.

I wish I could escape.