This is it.

La versión actual de mi tiene 24. Vive con su mamá y su último logro es comprarle el auto al hermano. Crecí y crecí y acumulé un montón de éxitos, que la gente podría decir que nada me falta y que no hay de qué quejarse... que hay gente que siempre estará peor que una.

Tengo 24 y lamento decirle a la niña de ayer que aún no consigo ser feliz.

Mi trabajo es más demandante de lo normal. Lo cual me irrita e irrita a la gente en casa. Mi mamá dejó de ser el sostén de la casa. Ahora toma pastillas para la ansiedad y otras cosas. Mi novio se vino a la casa porque consiguió práctica acá. Las cosas van de mal en peor con él, que solo pide y pide más comodidad y orden en casa, por ser hijo único, porque su mamá lo acostumbró a vivir en la burbuja de la vida fácil, con ella y su compulsión por la limpieza, que con mucho cariño le heredó a él. Ayer me levanté a las 6 de la mañana porque la fiebre no me dejaba dormir. Mi cabeza iba a explotar. Estuve en el sillón imaginando los posibles panoramas de como y cuándo terminaría con el. Cada uno de ellos era más terrible. No tienen idea. Ni la más perra idea.

Estoy en esa situación que varias veces critiqué en los demás y dije que no me pasaría. 'Si yo fuera ella ya habría...'. Acumulé logros por años y ahora me veo en una situación en que no me siento bien con mi trabajo, aunque me esforcé 5 años. No estoy bien con mi novio aunque todos los días trato de ser paciente y no decir nada, porque cualquier cosa, cualquier reacción se toma como el enojo mismo. Cada contrargumento es mal visto por él... Todo lo maximisa, así que prefiero no decir nada. Ni sexo quiero tener. Solo tratar de dormir. tratar.

Por todas estas cosas es que he dejado de ser quien era. Ni el ni la vida que llevo me motivan para volver a tocar, volver a escribir, a leer un buen libro o incluso compartir fotografías en redes sociales. No tengo ganas de presumir nada que no tengo. Ver gente en redes sociales solo me deprime más...  Ilonka, Katrin, Emma, Yvette... me deprimen tremendamente.

Todo este experimento de vida me esta haciendo mutar en algo que no busqué ser.

Y el ovillo de miedos sigue enredando mi cabeza.

Ten years of sorrow pass and no pleasure in the sun

You couldn't cope in all honesty 

The secrets of the past will come undone 

Seasons of change elapse 

Honor no mistrust 

Faithfully until the day you die 

And people say the journey's just begun 

When you're not a part of me, I feel dead inside

Let's get out of here, let's find a new career. You'll be famous and I'll... disappear.

I... feel like garbage.

Frustrated by not being recognized by your dauntless eyes, suffring deeply the consequences of making stupid, sudden decisions.

Lied down in my room, I realiced that I don't have enough time for making it happen. The hurry of growing up is now the opposite. Besides, I don't want you to grow older... You'll start needing something beyond my capacity and goals... You'd want a woman, a marriage, a stablished 'family'... A sense of community made by yourself, something just right. A perfect life.

No matter how much I hurry, you'll always be one step ahead.

Realizing we're running out of time, sadness spreads throughout all my body. There's no encounter point. we'll never get together as a unit. We're on different roads... and, again, I'm in the disjunction of forcing the bareer that separates us, or turning aside and accelerate faster, and faster, 'till I ... disappear.

I erase myself again.

Fuck everything, I wanna quit

Take my by the hand, take me somewhere new...

What can I say...

(my) Life sucks around this time. I'm trying to finish this year in the most regular way but I haven't been able to pass through it without making stupid mistakes, being judged and putting in risk my job.

I've made some wonderful new friends. I've learnt lots of skills... experienced great moments and attended many parties. Still, there's this constant, gigantic cloud over my head that never leaves me alone.

Right now I feel lonely, misunderstood, under presure... feel like I want to quit on everything, take a bag full of dreams and go to fuckin' nowhere.

The vocational crisis is deep. I never thought I would have to deal with such kids and parents... like, it is hard to comfront the reality that children are not as well behaved as I was... and that parents are not always as awesome as mine... so I'm not used to them. Right now some kidos have turn my nights into a sea of nightmares, just because of a fuckin' contest that they won but haven't received the price they deserved

I want to take a moment to visit some friends... the only two of them who are able to listen and understand what I am going through. They are all busy these days, so do I. This friday off I was going to travel to Conce to meet my fab guy, best friend who always makes me cry out of laugh, but he was too busy with university bullshit.

I feel encapsulated in a life I didn't want to... it's like a punishment I voluntarily took, for no reason. I wish I could be able to break the chains and go wherever I want to, and stay calm by myself.

I don't like my job, I'm not feeling fulfilled with my relationship, I don't have enough friends and I'd like to live more adventures than I can.

I wish someone just takes care of me, pull me tight and take me somewhere to start all over again.

I wish I could escape.

Oh, Marshall...

It hurted as ten hundred thousand pins puncturing my skin...

And our very cynical way we had when going downstairs and leaving it all behind.

Walking beside each other, no longer together, 

'til the moment came... when we irretrievable split our path.

And then I felt the hollow inside of me.

Lack of willingness to even breath... or eat. 

After crying out tears and blood. 

So then my pride knocked my door. 

It took my hands and forced me to write the shitty goodbye that fulfilled our destruction.

Shitty words out of spite, covered in pain and ice. 

My pride forced me to do what I did... to overthrown the last lands of our story and fire them with anger.

So then my pride forced me to put you out of my life... completely. Cause I couldn't imagine my life looking at you day by day... nearby but never close to me any more. I wasn't there next day 'cause I couldn't stand it... what was left and waiting for me. 

Cowardly, I wasn't there... 

It took me four years to finally realize that nevermore is an excuse for not letting our destinies cross whenever they do so. Took me these years to conclude it was my bad decision and Lord... How I regret it, my dear, not to understand none of us was in the right place or time to get together. But now I know that no matter the distance, the resentment or our different realities, you will still be my soulmate. 

So I embrace the memory of you, my dear, beloved friend, looking forward to meeting you once again... ready to take back that night we left unfinished. 

I embrace the chance to face you as a better girl, your always soulmate.

Gramma's house

"Miré la escena ante mi: la mera casa y las sencillas características del paisaje en aquel dominio, las sombrías paredes, las ventanas vacías como ojos, los pocos juncos silvestres, y algunos troncos de árboles podridos, con una absoluta depresión del alma que no puedo comparar con ninguna sensación terrena más adecuadamente que con el despertar del aficionado al opio, la amarga entrada a la vida cotidiana, la odiosa caída de un velo. Era una frialdad, un hundimiento, un malestar del corazón - una tristeza mental irremediable que ningún acicate de la imaginación podía desvíar hacia ninguna forma de lo sublime. ¿Qué era, me detuve a pensar, que era lo que me desalentaba tanto al contemplar la Casa Usher?"

Edgar Allan Poe
La Caída de la Casa Usher

Five more views of a post like this one and I'll seriously consider this blogger as full of bots, like Piñera's twitter... but less popular.

Painfully

I wish I were... 

I wish I were your last thought. 

The one who slip away your sweatest memories, and drives through you wildest roads of deep, hidden desires.

I wish my arms were the branches that supported your body and soul while getting aged, tiredsome.

I wish I were your last hope. 

I wish you were always there for me. 

The one I see right before the sun rises up, and take my hand and beg for me to stay in bed.

I wish I could swim and get lost in your eyes whenever I needed a getaway.

I wish your eyes were the last thing I see. 

The one who made you want to be a better man.

I wish I were the exeption of the rule, the challenge, the tears of happiness in your eyes and mine, the shiver in your back and the tremble in your hands.

I wish I were the girl you'd fight your most important battle.

I wish I didn't cry so much.

I wish I didn't have to turn aside. 

I wish I didn't surrender 

I wish I didn't feel this painful obsession. 

I wish I were a little bit like all of those (you loved...) 

I wish I didn't have to go away.